ONE LINERS

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
The thought of terror frightens me.
You can’t teach people to be lazy. They either have it or they don’t.
If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
The older you get the better you get – unless you’re a banana.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Early to bed, early to rise. Work like hell and advertise.
Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% chance of getting it wrong.
I’ve got enough money saved for the rest of my life – unless I want to buy something.
Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.
Hello fellow telepaths. You’re fine, how am I?
If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
If your dog is fat, you probably aren’t getting enough exercise.
Dogs have masters – cats have servants.
- If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I’m so miserable.
- My Dad’s religious. That is, if football is a religion.
- The trouble with life is that you’re half way through it before you realize it’s a do it yourself thing.
- If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
- My road to success could do with less potholes.
- Individuality. Great in everything except police line-ups.
- Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.
- All the world’s a stage and I’ve got an obstructed view.
- I’m still not sure I understand ambiguity.
- Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Never let facts get in the way of a good argument.
- There is nothing wrong with my car that money can’t fix.
- one-linersNothing in life can hurt you – except of course barbed wire, but that’s another story.
- Those who can, do. Those who can’t, simulate.
- Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
- May I refuse to inherit the earth?
- Never say, “oops!” Always say, “ah, interesting!”
- Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.
- If cars have horsepower, why don’t boats have fishpower?
- Is watching summer re-runs deja view?
- You learn something new everyday – if you’re not careful.
- It’s a small world – but I wouldn’t want to mow it.
- A horse walks into a bar. The barman says “why the long face?”
- Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award because he was out standing in his field?
- Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying ‘Parking Fine.'”
- Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.43. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
- What’s brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
- What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
- Don’t take life too seriously, You’re not getting out alive.
- What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
- With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re better now.
- I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
- Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “no hard feelings.”
- People who claim that computers will make life easier for us have obviously never used one.
- Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!
- With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
- To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
- File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
- Managing programmers is like herding cats.
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
- Married men should forget their mistakes; there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
- Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
- Why is there braille on drive thru atm’s?
- I hate sex on tv, I keep falling off.
- Be Happy, Get Fat.
- I’m in shape. Round is shape.
- What kind of cameras do manic-depressives use? Bipolaroids!
- Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with short-term memory loss?
- I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Hell wouldn’t have me… so I came back!!!
- Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?
- Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!
- Afghans can’t watch the news coz there’s a teleban.
- You say I’m a bitch – like its a bad thing?
- When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
- Some people say I am crazy… but they have never seen me off my medication.
- So what if I’m a psycho? There is no cure for being normal!
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