{"id":9843,"date":"2023-11-22T23:01:10","date_gmt":"2023-11-22T23:01:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/?p=9843"},"modified":"2023-11-22T23:02:03","modified_gmt":"2023-11-22T23:02:03","slug":"what-kind-of-fool-am-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/2023\/11\/22\/what-kind-of-fool-am-i\/","title":{"rendered":"What Kind of Fool Am I?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Letter from America<\/span><\/h1>\n

By way of introducing this piece, I have to confess to a teensy-weensy, itty-bitty\u2014minuscule, really\u2014on-line addiction.\u00a0 Quite recently, I\u2019ve been spending an inordinate number of precious waking hours taking Internet tests.\u00a0 Now, you must understand that I have always been a sucker for filling out forms.\u00a0 Why, even as a child, I enjoyed taking the same standardized tests that cause parents and teachers to moan, groan, and break out in rashes these days.\u00a0 (\u201cGet a good night\u2019s sleep and eat a good breakfast\u201d constituted the only advice I took semi-seriously to prepare myself for such exams.)<\/i><\/span><\/h4>\n

Well-rested and filled to the gills with eggs and toast, I actually looked forward to wielding my twin, freshly sharpened, #2 Ticonderoga pencils enthusiastically as soon as I heard my teacher tell us to begin each section of each test, and not a moment sooner.\u00a0 These new on-line tests, though, are more abbreviated than those I sat for in my little Long Island schools, but probably reveal as much about me as those elementary-school exams did; i.e., precious little.<\/p>\n

The Internet tests I take quite willingly, I have to reiterate, are easy; the questions consist primarily of clicking on a favorite image, most of which appear to have little to do with the actual subject of the test.\u00a0 No matter; some results are surprisingly accurate.\u00a0 So far, I\u2019ve learned what type of tree I am (a willow), in what decade I truly belong (the 1960s), and what my spirit animal is\u2014more about\u00a0that<\/span>one later.\u00a0 It turns out that the name my parents should have given me was not \u201cCara\u201d but, instead, \u201cEmmy Lou.\u201d\u00a0 Well, butter my buns, honey child, and call me a biscuit! \u00a0I don\u2019t understand\u00a0that<\/span>one at all, although it does complement the results of the test in which I discovered that the American city I should inhabit is Nashville, Tennessee (home of the U.S. country music industry and, of course, the Grand Ol\u2019 Opry, where Minnie Pearl reigned supreme and Elvis Presley was once told by the manager that he had no future in show biz).<\/p>\n

\n

Much to my surprise, one test concluded that I am \u201cincredibly sweet.\u201d\u00a0 I had hoped for \u201csmokin\u2019 hot\u201d but I\u2019m afraid nobody will describe me using those two words until the day I\u2019m cremated.\u00a0 The deceased superstar I most resemble is Elizabeth Taylor, even though another test on the same website informed me that the hair color most suitable for me is blonde, which I most definitely\u00a0am<\/span>(even if my color\u00a0is<\/span>a wee bit\u2014ahem\u2014enhanced).\u00a0 Go figure. \u00a0My living celebrity doppelganger is Beyonc\u00e9.\u00a0 Um, all righty. In a past life, I was definitely a Greek philosopher.\u00a0 (On reading that, it immediately occurred to me that philosophers don\u2019t make much money, so I imagined that I supplemented my income in my past as a philosopher with a nine-to-five day job. I was undoubtedly the sewing instructor in Ancient Athens\u2019 most prestigious self-serve tailor shop, \u201cEuripedes, Eumenides.\u201d)<\/p>\n

While in an uncharacteristic devil-may-care mood, I decided to retake my past-life exam (fearing that I had not eaten a hearty enough breakfast when I took it the first time). The equally convincing result was that I had once lived the life of a Parisian courtesan.\u00a0 That didn\u2019t entirely please me, so I took the same test a third time:\u00a0\u00a0Bingo!<\/span>I was\u2014for a brief period in time\u2014Edgar Rice Burroughs<\/span>!\u00a0 Well, now:\u00a0 That made perfect sense.\u00a0 I adored the Tarzan series when I was a child, and Burroughs DID die on March 19, 1950, just four months and two days before my own birth.\u00a0 (Presumably, my soon-to-be-reincarnated soul spent the months between his death and my appearance in the delivery room of the French Hospital in New York perfecting my chest-thump \u2018n\u2019 howl.)<\/p>\n

It\u00a0does<\/span>puzzle me that, in one test, the type of house I should inhabit is a charming Irish thatch-roofed cottage\u2014no surprise there!\u2014but that said dwelling should be erected in the bustling downtown of Kuala Lumpur, where I should be walking (and, in good conscience, scooping the poop of) a Rhodesian ridgeback breed of dog, while wearing only Michael Kors clothing and singing along to the complete works of Justin Bieber. (Yuck to that last one.) Oh, and my Rhody should respond (tail wagging wildly) to the name of \u201cGeneral Fluffernutter.\u201d<\/p>\n

Whoa, there:\u00a0 I sense your confusion!\u00a0 (I am, after all,\u00a0highly empathic<\/span>, according to yet another Internet examination of my character.)\u00a0 The naming of my dog is the result of my selecting from a list the adjective that corresponds to the last letter of my first name plus choosing from a second list the noun corresponding to the first letter of my last name\u2014another type of test entirely, but a type to which I subject myself as regularly as I brush my teeth, or bake a fruitcake.<\/p>\n

By now, you have probably realized that taking these tests is a whole lot more exhilarating than undergoing colonoscopy prep (but not as exciting as having a bikini wax) and far less mind-numbing than snapping photos at the Motor Vehicles Bureau.\u00a0 Hey, taking these tests fills a void!\u00a0 But the\u00a0best<\/span>Internet tests are those that promise one an accurate intelligence-quotient (I.Q.) score.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m here to tell you, my lovelies, that there is\u00a0nothing<\/span>more enlightening than finding out what kind of fool you are\u2026or\u00a0not<\/span>.\u00a0 I encourage all of you to take an on-line I.Q. test\u2014any<\/span>\u00a0on-line I.Q. test\u2014right this very minute.\u00a0 They don\u2019t take long.\u00a0 I promise.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll wait.<\/p>\n

(Singing Bieber\u2019s \u201cSomebody To Love\u201d here while you take the test and calculate your score.)\u00a0 Okay\u2026DONE.<\/p>\n

So, do you agree with your result?\u00a0 GREAT!<\/p>\n

Awww!\u00a0 You\u00a0don\u2019t<\/span>especially relish the score?\u00a0 Then, hie thee to another Internet I.Q. test, pronto.<\/p>\n

(Singing Bieber\u2019s \u201cOne Less Lonely Girl\u201d and waiting for you.)\u00a0 DONE.<\/p>\n

Better results?\u00a0 No?\u00a0 Yes?\u00a0 No matter.\u00a0 Keep on taking I.Q. tests until you score at genius level.\u00a0 That\u2019s what\u00a0I<\/b>\u00a0did.\u00a0 When I had a slightly disappointing result from\u00a0one<\/span>of them\u2014granted, it was the official on-line MENSA qualifier\u2014I chalked that up to the takeover of my intellect by my spirit animal (mentioned above). \u00a0Turns out that my inner\u00a0jackass<\/span>doesn\u2019t give a hee-haw\u00a0what<\/span>I score on an I.Q. test, and that\u2019s the truth.<\/p>\n

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.” mce_href=”mailto:<\/span><\/a>CaraSheridanOD@gmail.com<\/a>“>ByCara Sheridan O\u2019Donnell.<\/p>\n

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