{"id":9835,"date":"2023-11-22T22:41:24","date_gmt":"2023-11-22T22:41:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/?p=9835"},"modified":"2023-11-22T22:41:44","modified_gmt":"2023-11-22T22:41:44","slug":"dont-jar-my-slats","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/2023\/11\/22\/dont-jar-my-slats\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Jar My Slats!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Letter From America<\/span><\/h1>\n

I am slow to anger.\u00a0 Ask anyone who knows me.\u00a0 In my lifetime, the two individuals who most profoundly wounded me emotionally still occupy a large amount of real estate in the epicenter of my heart and, I suspect, always will.\u00a0 That said, I admit to becoming easily irritated, sometimes by things others might classify as trivial, inconsequential.<\/p>\n

\n

Offhanded remarks, made in the guise of constructive criticism but uttered too late for me to heed them, are especially vexing.\u00a0 I recently ran into a friend and mentioned to her that I was in a bit of a hurry, as I was on my way to an awards ceremony as representative of my employer.\u00a0 \u201cOh, you really should get your hair cut before you go,\u201d she informed me.\u00a0 \u201cIt has gotten sooooo long and you look sooooo much younger with shorter, layered hair.\u201d Crestfallen, I replied that I had just had my hair colored, highlighted, glazed to glossy perfection, trimmed at the ends, and blown out that very morning.\u00a0 \u201cWell then, all you need is adecent<\/span>haircut!\u00a0 Be a little late for the meeting,\u201d she responded. We parted company seconds later\u2014I, in a bit of a huff and, at the same time, feeling thoroughly deflated.\u00a0 The dismay I experienced upon hearing her words didn\u2019t evolve into irritation, unfortunately, until the awards presentation was long over.<\/p>\n

In the meantime, I felt much like the kid on a swim team who realizes, to her delight, that she took first place in her race, only to discover that she won because she swam freestyle in a breaststroke event.\u00a0 I understand, of course, that some people speak before they think, but, really, that encounter certainly elevated my blood pressure.<\/p>\n

My mood, however, was greatly improved the very next day, when my seven-year-old granddaughter noticed that I was wearing my hair up.\u00a0 \u201cOh,\u00a0Mimi<\/span>!\u201d she exclaimed, \u201cYou have a ponytail!\u00a0\u00a0You look four years younger<\/span>!\u201d To her, I suppose, four years, which amounts to more than half her life, was the \u201cright\u201d number of years to insert in her utterly charming and spontaneous compliment. Whatever her rationale happened to be for subtracting four years from my age (rather than five or ten, or just a plain, unmodified \u201cyears\u201d), I know that\u00a0I<\/span>felt like a serious contender for the Miss America title when she did so.\u00a0 The simmering irritation I had allowed to come to a rolling boil over the previous 24 hours evaporated in a flash.<\/p>\n

Waiters who set the wrong order before me don\u2019t annoy me, but people who act as if the world has come to a screeching halt when such a thing happens to them\u00a0do<\/span>cause me to grind my teeth in exasperation.<\/p>\n

Equally nettlesome are my thoughts of the evil, unregenerate fiend of a man (for it was undoubtedly a man) who invented the ladies\u2019 undergarment known to some women as the thong and to others as butt floss.\u00a0 Worn so as to avoid the dreaded VPL, or visible panty line, the thong when closely examined is nothing more than a teensy-weensy triangular piece of fabric attached to two slender \u201carms\u201d that encircle the wearer at hip level. \u00a0Never has such an innocuous-appearing item generated so many bitter complaints.<\/p>\n

Their inevitable kvetching* notwithstanding, millions of women continue to buy thongs, often at ridiculously inflated prices.\u00a0 The tiniest thong, so long as it has a designer\u2019s name printed on its minuscule tag, can fetch upward of $20, enough to buy four kids\u2019 meals at many a local fast-food restaurant.\u00a0 Of course, when it comes to the less expensive thong, the old adage \u201cyou get what you pay for\u201d has never proven to be more accurate.\u00a0 Cheap thongs are invariably made of the coarsest grade of sandpaper on the market or (even worse) flypaper (the latter being useful not only as readily available thong material but also as a darned good depilatory).<\/p>\n

Inconsiderate cell phone users might be the greatest offenders of all when it comes to riling me up.\u00a0 Whether on a train, in a restaurant, or on line at the bank, I don\u2019t want the grandchild in my company to overhear your description of last night\u2019s sexual escapades.\u00a0 (\u201cMimi, what does \u2018hooked up\u2019 mean?\u201d)\u00a0 Neither do I enjoy listening to one-sided arguments between husband and wife or mother and daughter.\u00a0 Details of your recent cholecystectomy don\u2019t interest me (nor, I would imagine, do they fascinate the person on the other end of your conversation).\u00a0 Spare me your complaints to a contractor, pool service guy, and therapist\u2019s office.<\/p>\n

Oh, and, for the love of God, can\u2019t you wait until you get\u00a0home<\/span>to tell your wife that nobody looks hotter, not to mention at least four years younger than she really\u00a0is<\/span>, in her brand-new thong?<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t jar my slats, please.\u00a0 I can\u2019t predict what might happen next!<\/p>\n

*A Yiddish word, used often in parts of the US, meaning “complaining”<\/p>\n

By Cara Sheridan O\u2019Donnell<\/p>\n

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.<\/span>” mce_’ + path + ‘\\” + prefix + ‘:’ + addy50194 + ‘\\’>’+addy_text50194+'<\\\/a>’; \/\/–><\/p>\n

Follow us on Twitter – @DigiPrintNews<\/p>\n

Like us on Facebook\u00a0www.facebook.com\/DPNLive<\/a>\u00a0– (click the \u2018LIKED<\/u>\u2019 button\/top of page as well)<\/p>\n

Copyright \u00a9 2014, DPNLIVE \u2013 All Rights Reserved.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/h1>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Letter From America I am slow to anger.\u00a0 Ask anyone who knows me.\u00a0 In my lifetime, the two individuals who<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":9836,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[73,74],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9835","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life-and-style","category-living-in-usa"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9835","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9835"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9835\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9837,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9835\/revisions\/9837"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9836"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9835"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9835"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9835"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}