One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…<\/p>\n
The next year, I didn\u2019t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied: \u2018Well, you still haven\u2019t used the gift I bought you last year!\u2019<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s how the fight started….<\/p>\n
________________________________<\/p>\n
My wife and I were watching\u00a0Who Wants to Be a Millionaire<\/em>\u00a0while we were in bed.<\/p>\n I turned to her and asked: \u2018Do you want to have sex?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018No,\u2019 she answered. I then said: \u2018Is that your final answer?\u2019<\/p>\n She didn\u2019t even look at me this time, simply saying, \u2018Yes.\u2019<\/p>\n So I said: \u2018Then I\u2019d like to phone a friend.\u2019<\/p>\n And that\u2019s when the fight started…<\/p>\n ________________________________<\/p>\n I took my wife to a restaurant.<\/p>\n The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019ll have the rump steak, rare, please.\u2019<\/p>\n He said: \u2018Aren\u2019t you worried about the mad cow?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Nah, she can order for herself.\u2019<\/p>\n And that\u2019s when the fight started…..<\/p>\n _______________________________<\/p>\n My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.<\/p>\n I asked her: \u2018Do you know him?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Yes,\u2019 she sighed. \u2018He\u2019s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn\u2019t been sober since.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018My God!\u2019 I said, \u2018Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?\u2019<\/p>\n And then the fight started…<\/p>\n ________________________________<\/p>\n When our lawn mower broke and wouldn\u2018t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.<\/p>\n When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, \u2018When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.\u2019<\/p>\n The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.<\/p>\n ______________________________<\/p>\n <\/p>\n My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.<\/p>\n She asked: \u2018What\u2019s on TV?\u2019<\/p>\n I said: \u2018Dust.\u2019<\/p>\n And then the fight started.<\/p>\n ________________________________<\/p>\n Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.<\/p>\n I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife\u2019s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, \u2018The weather out there is terrible.\u2019<\/p>\n My loving wife of five years replied: \u2018And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?\u2019<\/p>\n And that\u2019s how the fight started…<\/p>\n _______________________________<\/p>\n My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.<\/p>\n She said: \u2018I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about three seconds.\u2019<\/p>\n I bought her a bathroom scale.<\/p>\n And then the fight started……<\/p>\n ______________________________<\/p>\n <\/p>\n After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.<\/p>\n The woman behind the counter asked for my driver\u2019s licence to verify my age.<\/p>\n I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.<\/p>\n The woman said: \u2018Unbutton your shirt.\u2019<\/p>\n So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.<\/p>\n She said: \u2018That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me\u2019 and she processed my Social Security application.<\/p>\n When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said: \u2018You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.\u2019<\/p>\n And then the fight started…<\/p>\n ________________________________<\/p>\n My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.<\/p>\n She was not happy with what she saw and said to me: \u2018I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.\u2019<\/p>\n I replied: \u2018Your eyesight\u2019s darn near perfect.\u2019<\/p>\n And then the fight started…<\/p>\n ________________________________<\/p>\n I rear-ended a car this morning… the start of a\u00a0really\u00a0<\/em>bad day!<\/p>\n The driver got out of the other car, and he was a\u00a0dwarf<\/em>!<\/p>\n He looked up at me and said: \u2018I am\u00a0not<\/em>\u00a0happy!\u2019<\/p>\n So I said: \u2018Well, which one ARE you then?\u2019<\/p>\n That\u2019s how the fight started.<\/p>\n By Ellen Neumann<\/p>\n Copyright \u00a9 2011, DPNLIVE \u2013 All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn\u2019t<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":10225,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[78,77],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10224","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-a-bit-of-fun","category-fun"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10224","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10224"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10224\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10226,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10224\/revisions\/10226"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10225"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10224"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10224"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.webhostlabs.net\/synergy\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10224"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}